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SYN 90.7

#GameOnMolls: Matty J launches The Bachelor: Season 5

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Matty J’s returned to the screen for Season 5 of Bachie after conceding defeat to last year’s Lee for Georgia Love’s affections. 

Be still our beating hearts.

But before we get ahead of ourselves, and let the fact that he’s not competing against any other blokes with the same name sink in, let’s backtrack. Enter 2016: Matty J, doubled over, heartbroken. I came here to fall in love. And I have, but it’s with someone else. 

Now he’s shirtless and showering shirtless and taking lonely walks on the beach shirtless. And in case our ovaries haven’t yet exploded, we see a baby being held up by uncle Matty who’s in a pool, shirtless. (Obvs).

Un/fortunately for us, Matty has managed to find clothes for the first time since 2016 and suited up to greet a gaggle of diverse, wholesome ladies.

Let the games begin!

 

Alix the Body Painter enters the arena. Lingering look. Arm touch. Skin flash works. Tick.

Tara the Nanny has more interest in the Bachie pad than Bachie himself. Tells Bachie to check out her fully sik tattoo, forgets where it is. “We’re gonna make it rain” with men, she tells her mates. Then proceeds to call Matty one. “CYA MATE” #friendzoned

Laura the Ring Bearer bedazzles Bachie with jewels. Forgets to bring Bachie a ring. Saves face with epic banter.

Cobie Coal Worker makes an entrance with rose shaped inflatables, speaks only through helium. Bachie laps it up. Hi-vis miner by day, ball gown wearer by night.

Let’s fast forward through the forgettables. Wait hang on, Laura-Ann‘s looking for someone to make her ovaries tingle. Yep, said it to his face.

More white women. Someone wearing a ‘Miss Personality’ sash. Someone with no shoes.

Hello, Jennifer de Vil (aka The Villain). She gon’ zero to crazy with the skin sniffing and confiding in Bach that it’s her dream to be dipped… but in what exactly we’re not quite sure.

Oh hello clown music, did someone call for crazy? Enter Nat the Nutter. There’s grunting. Unashamed Instagram stalking. Gas. NEIGHING. RELATIONSHIP WITH WOMAN. MOOOIIIIIIST.

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Just when we think Osher’s exhausted his bag of tricks, POLICE SIRENS.

Michelle the Manhandler strolls out of the police car – hers – and knocks Bachie dead with her ladystrength. Small talk shows they’ve got things in common, like Manhandler putting people in car for peeing in bushes, and younger Bachie liking peeing in bushes.

Love Coach Belinda has brought along an egg timer. Makes Bachie stare into her eyes for a timed minute to forge a ‘connection’. THIS IS TERRIFYING. SHE WON’T STOP SMILING. IS THE MINUTE OVER YET?

Then there’s the exotics. One twirls a ribbon.

Leggy Lisa, aka The Winner prances over in a pantsuit. Giddy Bachie’s already planning the tennis court date. Bye bye, ladies. Game, set, match.

With her seductive soundtrack, Fifty Shades of Leah leaves nothing to the imagination with her lack of dress. “That was, yeah.” she grades Bachie. YOU DO NOT GRADE THE BACHIE.

The girls now congregate. A slim showing of hands for who’s wearing underwear. Squeals.

Osher announces The Secret Garden of Alone Time for Bachie’s Woman of Choice. More squeals.

But first, balloons weren’t enough. Sirens weren’t enough. Now we’ll blow the budget on FIRE. A fire juggler circles the cocktail party. Is she contestant number 22?

The sort-of American not really exotic fire juggler non-intruder Elora. Sex on legs has no fear of cutting anyone’s grass, she’s been patiently rolling around in it since the others were working the red carpet. Plus, she has a dog. Snip snip.

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We’re back to Jennifer de Vil. She’s having a breakdown. Elizabeth calls her her dress ‘putrid’, fails to cover it up. Tara grabs the popcorn to enjoy the show. Nat supplies the gag reel. I want to show Matty my secret garden, says Fifty Shades of Leah.

Throwing more shade. Cutting more grass. Plenty of home renovations at Bachie pad.

Lisa The Winner wins The Secret Garden. Boring winner talk.

Back to the group, Michelle the Mandhandler panics she hasn’t had enough time to handcuff to herself. Jen cuts in with: “Game on molls”.

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Matty picks up a rose. Mandhandler gets it. Jen and Leah sneak in a feisty one-liner.

Finally, rose ceremony time! Lisa. Laura. Elora. Cobie. Elise. Tara. More people. Gymnast. Leah! More people. Exotic. Crazy Nat. Jen “I hate drama”.Two roses remain. Two girls going home. Yada yada. Two forgettables and one pageant sash are sent packing. Elizabeth ‘Your Dress is Putrid’ remains. DRAMA LIVES TO SEE ANOTHER DAY.

Feature image: Giphy.

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