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SYN 90.7

Leah Pashes, Bachie Dashes: The Bachelor Recap Ep 2 Season 5

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We’ve met the contestants, now it’s time to share a boyfriend. In the house, tensions are intense. Non-Intruder Elora‘s rig is again on full display.

Osher enters. The girls are shocked to see he has a date card to deliver. “STOP IT”

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Non-Intruder Elora gets the first single date on a boat. Obvi Bachie is dressed as a sailor. She speaks French fluently. NEW IT. Hold onto your extensions – we’ve got another front runner.

Bachie and Non-Intruder Elora watch dolphins conveniently entering the shot. Bachie gets shirtless. Bachie oggles Non-Intruder Elora. #romance

Now to the Bitchelorettes. Jennifer de Vil, Fifty Shades of Leah and um, Sian, unwillingly picture Non-Intruder Elora and Bachie together. Jennifer de Vil delivers the kill: “I love you girls. But let’s be honest, if it means getting closer to Matty, I will walk over you.”

Back on the boat, Non-Intruder Elora drops a ‘You look good’ to Bachie during a staring contest. Bachie can’t handle the tension, MISSES THE KISS CUE and throws it back on her with an: Elora, you look amazing, hahahahahahahah.

Group date card arrives! A handle of contestants get chosen, including the Bitcherlorettes.

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Back to the single date, Bachie now blinded by Non-Intruder Elora‘s rig, #wanderlust and subsequent feelz, a rose conveniently appears. Then he regains his sight for another staring contest. I forgot about the rose thing, says Non-Intruder Elora. NO YOU’RE JUST ON A REALITY TV SHOW DICTATED BY RECIPIENTS OF ROSES.

Non-Intruder Elora returns to the house where Jennifer de Vil bursts her fabricated love bubble: ‘Did you make out with our boyfriend?’. Non-Intruder Elora says something priceless about reality TV being real. Fifty Shades of Leah butts in: ‘coz it’s so real. THE SHADE OF FIFTY SHADES.

Group date time! Photoshoot! Product placement opportunities!

The Bitchelorettes get what’s coming to them, with Jennifer de Vil looking like Sideshow Bob – her words – paired with Baywatch FlorenceJennifer de Vil has had enough of the stitch-up third wheeling her man, takes off the condom hat, swan dives into the pool and claws at Bachie. Bachie is unimpressed.

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And for the best moment in television, we watch as Fifty Shades of Leah straddles Bachie in a one-on-one Grease motorcycle photoshoot ripped right from Bachie Richie and Alex’s shoot. With all eyes on the pair, Fifty Shades of Leah goes in for the kill. She PASHES, Bachie DASHES.

Fast forward to Bachie arriving at the house, presents in hand. With a basket full of muffin distractions, he whisks away Lisa The Winner to play tennis.

Apart from the tight skirt and Bachie’s deliberate fails at serving, it’s all very adorably boring for the Winner date. And of course they find a way to cool down shirtless in the pool, with sexual strawberries and Pimm’s product placements. Lisa The Winner takes her rose.

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It’s time for The Cocktail Party.

Fifty Shades of Leah stirs the pot, telling Non-Intruder Elora to feel bad about her man catching feels for everyone else. Non-Intruder Elora accepts her challenge, stealing Bachie away for even more one-on-one time. Simone and Non-Intruder Elora form an allegiance against the Bitchelorettes. Check mate.

So it all comes down to The Rose Ceremony. A whole bunch of people we’ve forgotten stays. Simone stays. Girl Who Called Jennifer de Vil’s Dress Putrid stays. Tara ‘Thanks Mate’ stays. Jennifer de Vil stays. Nutter Nat stays. Fifty Shades of Leah and No Name are in the bottom 2. No Name is sent packing. DRAMAAAA prevails.

Feature image: Giphy.

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