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SYN 90.7

She said WHAT?! The Bachelor Ep 4 Season 5 Recap

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Welcome to the Ep 4 Season 5 recap, where as you’ve guessed it, there’s still plenty of DRAMAHHHH before anything genuinely manufactured happens between Bachie and the contestants.

But before we get into that, let’s go on a single date with Cobie Coal Worker. Bachie’s keen to get to know Cobie Coal Worker as “the girls in the house are all unique” as Wonder White bread.

packs_no-new-flashes_sashes_flat-copyPhoto: Mamamia

Salty they haven’t got the single date, Tara CYA MATE The Nanny, Jennifer de Vil and Fifty Shades of Leah all proclaim the reason why they haven’t been asked by Bach for one-on-one alone time is coz they’re “the schnitty”, “the crème de la crème” and obvs you save the best part of your meal for last. Gulp.

Back at the drama-less date, Cobie Coal Worker is bedazzling Bachie with her lack of horse riding prowess, and then proceeds to begin a wet t-shirt competition while under the ruse of “washing the horses”.

In need of dry clothing and unique date ideas, Bachie whisks away Cobie Coal Worker to an uninventive candlelit couch where she reads out a poem and explains that the reason why she can’t talk in complete sentences around the Bachie is because he makes her giddy. More so than riding horses does. Cobie Coal Worker nabs a rose and asks for a smooch,  sealing the deal. YAS GURL.

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For some unspeakable reason, Bachie the producers thought it was necessary to ‘Find Way to Make Contestants Banana Cream Pie One Another in Face’ to build DRAMAHHHH. Enter: The Bachelor Boardgame.

Now there’s the boring parts where Bachie finds out how ‘compatible’ he is with all the girls, and Exotic Florence wows(?) with her ahem, knowledge of Bachie, to which she replies “I listen when he talks”, where I can only imagine her doing so during his late night phone calls to Osher in the Bachie pad while hiding under his bed.

But obviously we’re only here to see Jennifer de Vil/Fifty Shades of Leah taste the sweet, artificial medicine they oh so deserve in banana cream pie form, and oh god it is glorious.

YOU get a pie in the face! and YOU get a pie in the face! EVERYONEEEE gets a pie in the face!

 

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Jennifer de Vil makes the most of the mush, seductively smothering herself with it as a preview of what she’d very willingly do to Bachie at his pad tonight. Cobie Coal Worker passes up the chance to pash Bachie in front of the group and Michelle the Manhandler wins the prize-less game by wearing no clothes on her upper half.

Off to The Cocktail Party, Exotic Florence forces Bachie to morph into a very confused, distracted Harry Potter as she role-plays a teacher-student porno to ‘teach him Dutch’. Here we learn three things:

  1. Bachie can’t keep his eyes off Exotic Florence‘s ass and lingerie dress
  2. Exotic Florence has clearly tried the sexy librarian before
  3. Exotic Florence is definitely getting a rose

7305079182_6bcff8a835_bFYI, he’s not holding a broomstick.

Returned to manufactured reality, Bachie is then taken aside by Coal Worker Cobie so she can explain herself for not wanting to mack on with the Bach while the other girls lay witness.

The Bitchelorettes are furious, adamant that a girl with a rose shouldn’t need more one-on-one time, and suggesting there is an imaginary calendar of bookings for talking to a bloke. Fifty Shades of Leah decides to intervene and cut Coal Worker Cobie‘s chat with Bachie short, but fails miserably.

Coal Worker Cobie says she can’t interrupt but she’ll return him shortly. Fifty Shades of Leah says Coal Worker Cobie has upset a lot of people, to which Coal Worker Cobie replies “I’m okay with that”.

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Oh honey, no!

Returning to the group, Fifty Shades of Leah minces Coal Worker Cobie‘s words: I don’t care *puts hand in my face*.  TIME FOR AN ACTION REPLAY! Coal Worker Cobie says “I’m okay with that” and Fifty Shades of Leah puts her hand on Coal Worker Cobie.

Flying words such as bitch and hustler are thrown around, Laura aka Georgia Love 2.0 defends Coal Worker Cobie, and tensions are high when the pair return to the group.

Let’s jump to The Rose Ceremony!

Everyone stays – including The Bitchelorettes. Love Coach Belinda is booted. DRAMA LIVES TO SEE ANOTHER DA-oh who am I kidding? Of course it does. Well played, Channel 10. Well played.

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