show page

On Air

Fertile Ovaries & Friendzones: The Bachelor Recap S5 E12

giphy (13)

Welcome back to the Bachie Recaps, ep 12!

Everyone is so stoked to be there in the Mansion, held captive to fight to prove their ovaries’ worthiness, except QWEEN TARA, who looks just how we feel.

Bachie picks Exotic Florence up in a helicopter, then tells her he teleported there, because “‘ve actualy never been in a helicopter before” is a blatant, comical LIE, dear god, Bachie!

Exotic Florence is psyched to make a clay dildo with Bachie, because it’s an excuse to practice their moves for later tonight a scene ripped straight out of Ghost, obvi. Cue Bachie in B roll explaining what Exotic Florence is moulding between her exotic hands. LAWL.


They then plonk themselves onto a filthy couch in the middle of the wilderness. Exotic Florence and Bachie exchange sweet nothings…actually just nothing… it’s so much filler. *And pash*

Off at the group date, everyone is invited to a Lorna Jane photoshoot, but have network-mandated self esteem therapy. THE HORROR. Each girl is forced to divulge all their ~feels~ and undying love and commitment in lycra to the bloke they’re known for a coupla’ weeks.


Cobie Coal Miner breaks down into tears but still doesn’t win anything. Non-Intruder Elora manages to look like a terrifying and female version of the Commando – in plaits.

No Longer The Winner Winner Chicken Dinner Lisa isn’t a fan of making up these ~feels~ so Bachie threatens her that she’ll get the boot if she doesn’t shape up. But.. but.. her abs are mighty fine?!?!?!

Confused as heck, they enter the ring and, instead of letting Bachie enjoy his superior masculinity and athleticism, Lisa humiliates him in a bout of friendzoned fury. She’s a ‘gonna.


Qween Tara CYA MATE The Nanny wins the challenge and her and Bachie head off to candlelit Pad Thai.

Tara slurps her noodles slurpily like she’s never had a slurp before and Australia once again falls in love with her and even more than we did Nikki and our hearts simultaneously implode with ~feels~ that she’s about to steer head first into heartbreak.

Qween Tara then forgets what words are used for, but fortunately she remembers that mouths have other uses, such as PASHING! More fertile and willing ovaries, hooray for Bachie!


Off to the Cocktail Party, Cobie Coal Miner confronts Bachie about her crying in front of him earlier in the day, that it made her v vulnerable and she was not rewarded with precious alone time with her shared boyfriend.

Bachie then gives her a rose to get her off his case and shoosh her up. The opposite happens – she combusts with excitement.

Non-Intruder Elora then takes Bachie aside to pash on in front of all the chicks but ALAS HE SHUTS HER DOWN! I can’t. You can! No I’m not. Although he may date 22 chicks at a time, he won’t kiss one in front of them all. He’s got class.


It’s all very cringe and delicious and the girls are ready to send her home.

But Non-Intruder Elora is spared in the Rose Ceremony, and it’s Friendzoning Lisa that packs her bags. Fairwell, pretty lady. May you and your chiseled abs encounter non-produced love soon.

More by Love At First Swipe

giphy (16)

7 Fears We Have Ahead of The Bachelor Finale Week

So we’ve been avoiding spoilers like The Plague and FINALLY the time has come to learn who will capture Matty J’s heart. […]

giphy (14)

2 for 1 Eliminations: The Bachelor Recap S5 E13

It’s episode 13 of the Bachie and we are SO CLOSE to Hometown Visits! And with a number as unlucky as 13, […]

giphy (12)

Simone Becomes Interesting, Gets Eliminated – The Bachelor Recap S5 E11

Jennifer de Vil is a ‘gonna! Hurrah! But Simone is still whining! Fear not, surely her time is nearly up. Let’s proceed […]