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Lovealike Laura and pigs abound on The Bachelor Ep 3 Season 5

giphy (1)

To be honest, I missed the first 15 minutes of Bachie Ep 3 tonight, and I think saying that there was The Bitchelorettes vs Everyone Else drama, then a perfect, boring date was exactly how it went.

Aaaaand I’m right! Jennifer de Vil is salty about the group date, and now here’s Lovealike Laura, Georgia Love 2.0, here to steal the show and nabbing the first pash of the season.



And oh my god, for some unknown reason there are knights on horseback because Bachie occasionally speaks with a British accent. And now the girls are forced to wear hideous dresses and participate in ‘medieval sports’. Jousting, is the old fashioned world for sticking it to a b*tch, amirite?


But now it’s time for some women activities, like hanging out with pigs.

Cobie Coal Worker, Gymnast Akoulina and Simone (need to think of a nickname for her – suggestions?) are chosen. And er, Fifty Shades of Leah elects herself. #typical

Now Bachie gets the girls in the sack and they are frothing for it.

But it has also come to my attention thanks to Twitter that:

so now I’m panicking that dreamboat Lisa The Winner Winner Chicken Dinner will not be receiving her Chicken Dinner, unless of course she’s vegan. Wait, let me get amongst her now 34k Insta followers to find out.

Lisa The Winner has already won over Bachie’s heart and my own to be honest, by admitting she’s working up some srs crack sweat in the sack, which may or may not be a disservice to that following.

Then for some bizarre reason the girls are playing ‘medieval soccer’, a sport in no way medieval, but when costumes are added it looks even more ridiculous/glorious. Non-Intruder Elora and Alix the Body Painter unleash their athletic talents, turning into savages out for blood.

At the banquet, because of course there’s a banquet, Fifty Shades of Leah unloads to the girls in Bachie’s presence that she has been struggling sharing the house with all the girls. Blames her ‘mother instinct’.


While polite and respectful Alix the Body Painter and Elise have this weird girl code thing going on where they’re happy to share their man around coz they ‘haven’t had enough time with him yet’, and new information about Elise‘s Hockeyroos background comes to light, Bachie is now more than happy to play the field.

Anyway, in the meantime Fifty Shades of Leah devours the camera, telling the producers/us haters that she’s ready to throw shade, to ‘play a different game’ to earn Bachie’s affections. I don’t know whether to applaud her or despise her more.

Rose ceremony time and oh my god they’re all still in their poofy dresses.

A rose apiece to Alix the Body Painter and Lovealike LauraLove Coach BelindaCobie Coal Worker, Lisa The Winner, Hockeyroo Elise, Non-Intruder Elora and some names I’ve already forgotten are safe.

Fifty Shades of Leah is called out – third – so drama lives to see another day. I’m v confused where Jennifer de Vil is, so that’s a question for the producers.

It’s down to Akoulina The Gymnast and Simone. Simone is safe, The Gymnast packs her bags. Someone please tell me Jen did too.

Feature image: Giphy.

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